Maybe, Maybe Not
by The.Lonely.Blade
Summary: Umm there's a detailed summary inside, but note that this opens with a rape. Dei molestation too. Note also that this will probably suck.


**Okay, reader. Little warning: There's a lot of yaoi and rape in this fic. My other fic, "Don't Say A Word", is similar to this, and the pairing is Madara/Itachi. If you're a fluff lover, I suggest you check that out. This one has a lot abuse as well, and a BDSM relationship. The main pairing is Hidan/Deidara, but there's a side pairing of Sasori/Itachi (too rare, I tell you) and for a couple chapters it's Orochimaru/Deidara (forced) and Sasuke/Deidara (no sex, just a mutual crush). **

**Summary: Hidan rapes Deidara, emotionally damaging him, but the blonde forgives him, and as their budding relationship starts to grow, Deidara gets kidnapped by Orochimaru, whom he grows to love. He is eventually returned to Akatsuki, but has forgotten them all. Can Hidan help him remember before it's too late, or has Deidara's love for him been lost forever?**

**Main Pairing:**** Hidan/Deidara**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. If I did, Naruto would be a yaoi series with a lot of PWP. **

He wanted me.

It was simple. Hidan wasn't the most discreet person, and I guess I'm good at interpreting things like that. That's how I knew about Kisame raping Itachi before Leader. Of course, poor Itachi was only 15, and Kisame was 26 so Leader flipped a bitch and Kisame is no longer allowed to be in the same room as our smallest member. But nobody else knows.

"Oi! Blondie!" I heard my nickname being yelled from Hidan's room. I rolled my eyes and made my way up to him.

"What do you want?" I snapped. Hidan looked almost surprised at my tone, but said nothing.

"What. Do. You. Want?" I said again, carefully drawing out each word. He looked up and down my body, grinning. I wasn't wearing a shirt. He walked over and shut and locked the door. _What the fuck is going on?_ I began to inwardly panic. I should have run then and there. I just wasn't thinking.

"Don't be scared Dei-chan!" Hidan said, placing a kiss on my cheek.

"Don't. Touch. Me." I growled lunging for the door. Hidan tackled me, pinning me to the floor. "Let me go!" I yelled.

"Please don't make me hurt you Dei-chan. Because you know I will if need be. There are two ways this can happen." He murmured in my ear. I was terrified. I just went limp, allowing him to kiss my neck, sucking and biting random spots. He slid a hand down my pants, fondling me. Then, without warning, he tore my pants off in one swift motion. I suddenly stiffened. What was happening? What was he going to do? He slipped a finger inside me, making me gasp.

"S-stop!" I cried out. He grinned at me, withdrawing his finger.

"Okay, just remember, it was your choice." Then he shoved himself into me. I could hear my body tearing, making me scream. Tears flowed down my cheeks, god it hurt so badly! He continued to thrust into me, and I screamed again, louder, praying Itachi would hear me. He grabbed a nearby kunai and trailed it lightly down my body, stopping at my member. He placed the point at my slit, sinking in in a tiny bit. I shook my head frantically, begging him not to. He tossed the kunai away, and I sighed in relief.

"Please s-stop! It h-hurts!" I managed to choke out. He ignored me, continuing to rip my insides to shreds. I tried to cry out but was silenced with a forceful kiss. When he broke for air, I yelled as loud as I could. "HELP!" and was slapped for it. Itachi came running up the stairs (I could hear him). He burst into the room and tackled Hidan, shoving him off of me.

"You fucked up piece of shit!" He yelled, punching Hidan hard in the face. He didn't react at first but then Itachi dug his knee into Hidan's still exposed crotch. The jashinist may like pain, but he sure as hell didn't like that! Itachi turned to me. "Are you okay? Fuck, why am I asking that? Of course you're not. Come on, let's get you cleaned up." Itachi helped me to my feet, gently guiding me to the bathroom. There was blood all over my clothes, and me. He started the shower for me, and helped me into it.

"T-Thank you, Itachi." I murmured. It's really embarrassing, you know? Not just the rape part, but being helpless. I couldn't stand it. I turned the water to the hottest setting and scrubbed myself raw, but I still felt filthy. I shut off the water and dried myself off. It was difficult stepping over the tub but I did it. I wobbled to mine and Danna's shared bedroom, collapsing on the closest bed, still in only a towel. I heard someone enter the room, and I tensed. Did he come back?

"Brat, what are you doing on my bed?" I heard Danna's voice and was instantly relieved.

"Gomenasai, Danna." I said, and attempted to get out, but everywhere hurt so bad, and I fell back, crying out.

"What happened?" He asked, suddenly worried. I didn't want him to know, I didn't want anyone to know, but before I knew it, he had taken the blankets off and was now looking at my bruised arms and thighs. I realized that I was still in my towel and blushed.

"Deidara, were you… were you raped?" I had never heard Sasori's voice so gentle. I didn't answer, but he knew. "Oh, god. I'm so sorry, Deidara." He took me into his arms and I broke down. Jesus Christ I'm weak! I just couldn't stop crying. "Shhh, it's okay. You're safe; I'll tell Leader and he'll help you."

"No!" I sprang up, still crying. "Nobody can know about this! You have to promise not to tell! I d-don't want anybody t-to know!" Sasori embraced me again, and murmured soothing things into my ear. Someone knocked at the door, and Sasori went to go answer it.

"Is he okay?" I heard Itachi's voice.

"Yes and no. I can't heal his injuries; I don't have that kind of skill."

"I do." Sasori welcomed Itachi into our room, and he sat next to me.

"Deidara, I need you to lie down. I'm going to heal your injuries, okay?" I nodded. Sasori politely left the room, and I lay down on the bed. "I need you to spread your legs a bit. This is going to feel odd." It did. He placed his palm against my entrance and pumped healing chakra into it. I squirmed and let out a little whimper. It didn't hurt but it was unpleasant. It felt a lot better after he stopped, it didn't hurt to move as much.

"Now hold still, I'm going to feel for breaks." He prodded along my arms, eyes wide with shock. What was he seeing? My mind just wasn't processing properly. When he got halfway down my left arm, I screamed.

"Broken." He said. He did the same healing thing with my arm.

"Why are you helping me?" I asked suddenly. "I thought you hated me."

"I never said I hated you." He said, continuing to check my body for injuries. "Now, you'll still be in a fair amount of pain. I can't heal everything, some of it needs time." I nodded. I felt this tightening in my chest, and then I realized I was going to cry again. My lower lip was trembling. Itachi pulled me into a hug and it was like something inside me snapped. I began to cry hard, burying my face into his chest. He stroked my hair as I cried and cried.

"I-I'm sorry." I said when I could speak.

"Don't be. I know how you feel, Dei." I remembered then that the exact same thing happened to him. I slowly pulled myself together, wiping my face with the back of my hand. Itachi left me to go get Sasori.

Why? Why did Hidan have to do that? I wanted my first to be special. Cliché, I know. But it just isn't fair! I thought. Then I started thinking about how I truly, honestly feel about Hidan, aside from tonight's events. Do I love the man that raped me? Is that even possible?

"Deidara." I snapped out of my thoughts and looked toward the voice. Speak of the fucking- no, raping- devil! Hidan stood in the doorway, leaning on the frame. Half of me wanted to run, run and never stop running and pray he doesn't follow, but the other half reminded me that I can barely walk, let alone run. "Deidara, I'm sorry." I scooted back until I was as far as I could possibly get. My heart was beating so fast, I'm pretty sure he could hear it. That tight feeling in my chest was back, and I really didn't want to cry. I chewed my bottom lip, not saying anything.

"I know you're scared, and I understand that but I just want you to know-"

"Hidan, can't you see how terrified he is? Just leave him alone. You've done enough damage for one day." Danna to my rescue! I kept my eyes locked on Hidan, silently pleading for him to go away. He must've gotten my message because he left. The tears I was trying so hard to keep at bay flowed down my face.

"Let me see your arm." Sasori said. I looked at him, and held out my right arm. "No, your left." It hit me, that's what Itachi was seeing when he checked my arms for breaks. I didn't want him to see. I shook my head. He gently pulled my arm towards him, and turned it to see hundreds of straight, uniform scars lining the underside. I pulled my arm back.

"Happy?" I snapped.

"Deidara, I never knew you… Why? Why do you do that to yourself?" He won't understand. "Tell me."

"You're not going to understand. Nobody ever understands." I didn't mean to say that. It doesn't hurt, hardly ever. Sasori was staring at my arm, even after I covered the scars.

"It doesn't hurt." I mumbled. He looked at me, almost angry.

"How long?" He asked his voice suddenly hard.

"Wha-"

"How long have you been doing this?" He hissed. I recoiled at his voice; it was hard and angry, and almost hurt.

"Since I was eleven." I answered truthfully. He looked at me one more time and then turned away. I knew he was pissed. I realized again that I wasn't dressed, so I grabbed a pair of pajama bottoms and a long sleeved nightshirt, quickly pulling them on while Sasori still had his back turned.

"Danna?" I said, not getting a response. Fuck it, I'm not gonna sit in here with him when he's like this. I got up and sort of limped from the room.

After a few days, I was almost walking normally, but still jumpy as hell. Sasori was still pissed off at me, and I was avoiding our bedroom as much as possible. I was in the living room, watching TV

"Deidara." I jumped, completely absorbed in _1000 Ways to Die_. Goddamnit it was Hidan. Hadn't he done enough to me?

"Leave." I said, as much hate as I could muster injected into the single syllable.

"Okay, how about this: You listen to me, and then I leave." He just wasn't gonna give up, was he? I glanced in his direction, indicating that I agreed. "I'm sorry. Really. I know I hurt you, and I know you hate me. I just want you to know, I regret-" I cut him off.

"No you don't! You say you do, but I can see it in your eyes, you don't regret it. I do believe that you're sorry about how it happened, but _you don't regret doing it._ If that's all you had to say, you can go ahead and leave now." Hidan stayed anyway.

"Okay, fine. You're right, I don't regret it. But is there any way you'll ever forgive me?"

"_No._" I snapped. He looked at me, searching my face for any sign that I didn't mean it, but he found nothing. "Do you have any idea what you did to me?" He turned away, shaking his head. "Now go! Please, just leave me alone!" Hidan rushed out of the room, and I swear I saw a tear.

"Deidara-san, leader wants to see you." Zetsu really freaks me out. I don't know what, maybe the split personality, maybe the cannibalism. I got up and went to leader's office, knowing that he'd be pissy. I failed my last mission and now's the time for me to get bitched at for it.

"Deidara." He greeted me dryly. I sat in the chair opposite him. He was looking at me strangely. "You failed your last mission."

"Hai, Leader-sama."

"What shall we do to make up for it, hmm?" He stood, moved across the room, and began to stroke my hair. "I think I have an idea…" He moved his hand down towards my crotch. I grabbed his hand, stopping it inches from its goal.

"No." He looked annoyed, and broke free from my grip. Thinking I was free to leave, I rose but he crashed his lips to mine, bruising them. I turned away, breaking the kiss. "Stop!" I was scared out of my mind. Pein looked surprised.

"What…?" The look on my face was enough.

"C-can I leave now? Please?" I whimpered. He nodded. I rushed out and ran smack into Hidan.

"Deidara? What's wrong?" He asked. I shook my head. He wrapped his arms around me, and I found myself breaking down again. "Shh, it's okay, you're safe now." I wasn't totally sure about that, but I just needed someone to care about me.

"Leader-sama t-tried…" I couldn't get the words out.

"I know. I'm sorry." I knew he wasn't just apologizing for what happened with Leader but, this time, I forgave him. He took me to the living room and sat with me on the couch.

"Why?" I asked him suddenly.

"Because I wanted you." Hidan knew right away what I meant. I nodded. Konan stormed out of the office, grabbed my arm, and pulled me out of Hidan's embrace and into the office before I could say another word.

"What the fuck, Konan?" I snapped. She's such a bitch.

"Pein asked me to get you." She said calmly.

"So you had to be a bitch about it? Honestly!" She marched me over to the chair I had fled in terror just moments ago and sat me in it. Leader was sitting across from me, an apologetic look on his pierced face.

"I… wanted to apologize for what I did earlier. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry." Konan looked really pissed off. My guess is that she found out what happened. "But, I have to know. What made you react that way?" I grimaced. Why did he have to ask that? I won't tell him. I refuse.

"I won't tell you."

"Why not?" He seemed appalled that I would refuse 'help'.

"It was Hidan." Fucking bitch! How does she know?

"Is this true?" Leader asked. I ignored him. "Is. This. True?" He asked again, beginning to get mad. I nod.

"Leave him alone." I suddenly burst out. They both look at me like I'm insane. "I'm serious." I got up and was about to leave them both without any other explanation, but Konan grabbed my arm, preventing me from leaving.

"Just one more thing. You and Sasori have a mission tomorrow, but I advise you to leave tonight. It'll make the mission go faster." Pein dismissed me, motioning for Konan to release me.

[A/N I've had a lot of questions from my friends on why Deidara cuts himself, so here's a lil flashback-y thingy to answer you guys kush I luff you that much 3]

When I was little I was normal. _I_ was normal. My family was far from it.

"Get over here, you little nuisance." My father would growl at me. He'd killed my mother long ago. Now it was only me, a chronically terrified ten year old, left to 'take care' of him. On most nights, it was the same routine. He'd tell me to come here and I, of course, would obey. He'd kiss me and strip me waist-down. Then he'd 'take what belongs to him'. I wasn't allowed to cry out, or he'd slap me. I still cried out every now and again, especially if I pissed him off because he'd be extra rough. But on other nights, when he was really drunk or in a good mood, he'd be gentle, almost loving.

When I turned eleven, I'd begun to cut myself. I was used to pain, and this was my own way of being in control. It was a rush. Father wasn't hurting me. _I _was in control. Not him. _He _didn't get the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. Then, a couple of weeks later, Sasori, Kisame, and Itachi showed up at my house while my dad was passed out. I invited them in, but I had trouble sitting, so I just leaned against the wall.

"Are you Iwa Deidara?" Kisame asked, looking somewhat friendlier than the rest, despite his sharky features. I nodded.

"You are coming with us to the Akatsuki headquarters to be inducted into our ranks. You won't need to pack, you will be provided with clothes accepted by Akatsuki." Sasori said in a monotone voice.

My heart soared but I knew I couldn't go. "B-but if my dad notices I'm gone, he'll get mad. He'll find me!" I must have let something slip into my voice, or maybe they saw that I couldn't sit properly. I saw in their faces that they knew.

"You'll be fine. He won't be able to track you down." Sasori spoke again, and his voice was definitely softer. I was filled with a mixture of terror and hope; if I go with them, who says they won't beat me and rape me just like him? But, if I don't I'll never know. I was trembling, and Kisame sort of patted my shoulder.

"I-I'll go." I said. I was a lot shorter than them, and much slower, so eventually they just found it easier if Kisame carried me. When we got to the base, I was still scared of pretty much everyone and everything.

Still am.

I went to my room to tell Sasori we had a mission, but right before I opened the door, I heard noises. They sounded very… vulgar. I took a deep breath and opened the door to find Itachi and Sasori rutting like animals. Itachi was bent over the bed-my bed- and Sasori was pounding into him with the occasional grunt or moan. Itachi looked up and noticed me.

"Shit!" Sasori looked up and immediately pulled out, turning the approximate color of an overripe tomato. I'm sure I was about the same color.

"We have a mission; leader wants us to leave soon." I managed to peep out. Sasori covered his face. Nodded. Itachi had sunk down to the floor next to the bed, too humiliated to speak. I quickly crossed to my dresser, grabbed some clothes, put them into a backpack and turned to the both of them, who were rapidly putting on clothes. Itachi was fully dressed but I could tell he was sore, too sore to walk right away. Tears of mortification trickled down his face. This situation was very awkward, but I'd seen worse. Sasori was fully dressed and packing for the mission, ignoring Itachi. He was going to pretend like it didn't happen. Poor Itachi.

"I'm ready to go. Let's leave." He said gruffly to me. I looked at him, then at Itachi. He gave me an annoyed glance before turning to him. "Come on. I'll help you to your room." He extended a hand, helping him up. I followed them, making sure that Sasori didn't just dismiss Itachi. We arrived at his and Kisame's bedroom, Sasori let go of Itachi and was about to leave but I grabbed his shoulder and whispered in his ear: "Really? You're going to leave him feeling like a whore and not even say anything?" Sasori let out an angry huff and went inside with Itachi. I put my ear to the door and listened.

Sasori: "You don't have to feel so embarrassed. Sex isn't a crime, you know."

Itachi: "But he _saw_ us!"

Sasori: "So? He's seen worse, I'm sure. It's not _our_ fault. He should have knocked."

Pause. Itachi: "This was a one-time thing, wasn't it?" He was so quiet I could barely hear him.

Sasori: "What makes you say that?"

Itachi: "Because you wouldn't even _look_ at me. You were planning on leaving me there. Deidara made you help me, and Deidara made you come in here. You don't care about me. It's okay." His tone was flat. Almost emotionless, but you could hear the almost inaudible undertone of hurt. I get it. He shut down so he wouldn't have to feel the sting of being dumped.

Pause. Kissing noises. Sasori: "I _do_ care about you. This wasn't a one-time thing and you know it. I love you, Itachi Uchiha. But I have a mission, and I need to get going."

More kissing, panting. Touching, moaning. I was _so_ done listening at that point. I stood against the wall, waiting. Sasori came out a few minutes later, his face flushed. "Let's go, brat." I swear I saw a smile.

We'd been walking for a good three hours, Sasori quite a bit ahead of me. I heard something snap behind me. Whipping around, I had just enough time to see someone shove a black sack over my head.

"What the fuck? Get this OFF!" I reached up to yank it off, but my attacker grabbed my arm and shoved it behind me, nearly breaking it. I cried out, and as I did, I felt their hand being yanked away.

"That's enough. I told you to bind him, not injure him, Tayuya. Any injuries he sustains will be inflicted upon you. If I were you, I'd be gentler." That voice… I've heard it before. When I first joined Akatsuki... What was his name? Or… Oro… Orochimaru! It was him! He used to scare the living shit out of me! He'd always make lewd comments towards me or Itachi. I struggled again, ripping myself out of my bonder's grip, but when I got free, I was shoved to the ground and a foot was placed on my back.

"My, my Deidara. Such a strong young man. You will be very difficult to train." That was Orochimaru. Train? What did he mean? I opened my mouth to ask, but my world went black as I was kicked in the head.

A female voice floated above my head, along with Orochimaru's.

"Lord Orochimaru, your sub is waking up."

"Good. Though he's so sweet when he's asleep. How's Tayuya?"

"Concussion."

"I told her not to injure him, or I'd do the same to her. She kicked him in the back of the head, so I returned the favor."

"Surely harder than she kicked him? He's fine, other than being knocked out for a while, and maybe a small bruise. She could die!"

"So? I'll find a replacement. She needed to learn her place, and how to follow orders."

I opened my eyes. I was on a bed, and Orochimaru was sitting on the other side. The female voice belonged to a red-headed girl in a lavender outfit.

"Good morning! I do apologize for my, ahem, friend's actions. Are you alright?" I checked the back of my head, where I was kicked. It was a bit tender, but I felt fine. I nodded.

"Where am I? Why am I here?" I asked.

"You are at my home, and you are here for me. Since I can't have Itachi, I chose the next best thing- you." The way he said 'for me' made me very suspicious.

"For you? To do what?"

"Whatever I want you to do. And you will do it, or be severely punished. And you will always address me as Orochimaru-dono or Maru-dono." I was never going to do what he had in mind! My experience with sex is that it's always painful. I wanted to leave, and as soon as night fell, I did. Orochimaru had gone to bed, and I made some lame excuse about going to the bathroom. I looked around each corner, making sure that nobody saw me. Right as I got to the door, ii felt a hand grasp my ponytail. They didn't pull, surprisingly. I gingerly turned my head to see who had me.

"I've heard much about you, Deidara. So sad that you'd leave before you got to meet me." Immediately I recognized him as Sasuke, Itachi's younger brother. Not because of family resemblance, but because Itachi keeps a picture of him, and I found him one day, staring at it, his lower lip trembling as he fought tears.

"Let me go." I demanded in an irritated voice. He seemed… crestfallen. Like he'd planned this and it was going all wrong. His face had many bruises on it, and he was pale-paler than normal Uchiha. He looked abused. I softened. No matter how much of an arrogant little bastard he was, oh yes, Itachi told me all about his attitude, I couldn't hurt him.

"Don't go." In two words he had said a million. I could tell that I was to be his replacement, the new whipping boy. His face changed from a smirk to a pleading expression, eyes wide. I was about to respond but he immediately released my hair, like it burned him.

"Sasuke! What do you think you're doing?" Orochimaru barked. We both jumped.

"I… I uh," Sasuke was struggling for words. I swooped in and saved him.

"We were just messing around, Maru-dono. He did nothing wrong." I lied smoothly. Orochimaru nodded once, accepting this as an appropriate answer. Now that he was awake again, I had no chance.

**Readers! I have a proposition for you! Give me at least 3 relevant, plausible ideas for how I should continue this, I will give you the first chapter (up until Deidara leaves for the mission) in Hidan's P.O.V. plus spoilers if you wish! The one with the best ideas wins! (I may post it later but it'll be a while).**


End file.
